I had no idea I was opening portals to the spirit realm with my clitoris. I knew my vulva was powerful but apparently I was really underestimating my own potential.
I wish I could say that this was a new and ridiculous idea that “sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life,” and that sex demons are the cause of “urges to play with yourself so powerful that only an orgasm will allow you some temporary relief.” Sadly, this kind of fear mongering around sex from the Mack Major at EdenDecoded is quite common in evangelical Christian circles.
I signed my purity contract when I was eleven. I grew up as the pastors daughter and attended a variety of conservative Christian churches over the years. In a lifetime of exposure I have heard little consensus about what, exactly, it means when Godly sex is described as “between a man and a woman.” Most individuals are left to their particular churches self-made list of sex acts that are allowed, and feel guilty over asking for what we really want lest it be considered a sin. I have seen a lot of women and couples over the years worry about wanting more than missionary position penis-in-vagina sex.
The vulva, vagina, clitoris and all the parts and pieces that go into the standard definition of female anatomy can be confusing to operate. What works on one vuvla may not work on the next one so this idea that all one needs for sex is to put a penis inside and vagina until the penis ejaculates is a very oversimplified description that really covers the basics of making a baby. Making babies and making pleasure between two people with genitals is not the same thing.
Masturbation is how you learn what you like and how you like it. Knowing how we get aroused, and have orgasms, is not always intuitive and it takes some practice. We need time alone with our genitals to try different things, so that when we do have a partner we can teach them how to operate the system.
You wouldn’t hand the keys of your car to someone who only knows how to put gas in the tank and push on the pedals. Why do we expect good sex to come from the limited idea that a woman opens her legs and a penis goes inside. Its more complicated than that, and masturbation is where you begin to learn the nuance.
Intimate partners should be sharing pleasure. That pleasure should be equal in importance. In the version I was taught as a child, my body was the property of God and my future husband. My body was never mine. My sexual pleasure was a gift that was bestowed upon me by my husband in whatever measure it was given. How was I supposed to enjoy sex when I was told in many ways, that it wasn’t for me? I was only supposed to want children, security and a happy Christ centerd home. Sex was something I was going to give to my husband. My desire for sexual fulfillment was supposed to be minimal or non-existent. When they weren’t, I was sinful and lustful and in need of repentance. This is a recipe for shame and shut down for a lot of women, including me.
I hear so many men complain that their wives don’t want sex, aren’t adventurous, and what can they do to inspire more or better sex in their marriages? We need to start by allowing women, and girls, the idea that they are sexual and that their sexuality is normal. Women and girls need to be taught how to navigate their sexuality with more nuance than,” don’t want it or do it until marriage and then it will be spontaneously blissful and hot and Godly, the end.”
A penis may not be enough. Ignoring or minimizing the role of the clitoris during sex, and focusing on penetration alone, is a big problem. Many people that have penises could not imagine sex being pleasurable if they were never again allowed to touch their penis and instead, only allowed to play with their testicles. Or, more accurately, sex is only okay when they don’t touch themselves at all and only their partner is allowed to touch their testicles. That’s what you are telling your partner when you say that it is wrong, or sinful for a finger or vibrator to stimulate the clitoris during sex.
Clitoral stimulation is critical, it’s nuanced, and takes time to learn. Masturbation is how that learning happens. I teach women and people with clitorises how to masturbate. I teach them how to write their bodies pleasure manual and that inspires their ability to be intimate and playful with their partners. Most importantly I help them get rid of years of shame and self-loathing they carry about their bodies and sex.
I do this work because my clients have an intuitive knowing that pleasure is something they deserve. They are tired of being the side note and afterthought in articles that demonize female sexual desire, and are tired of hearing that sentiment in sermons from the pulpit, and in the voices of their communities of origin.
Demons aren’t coming for you if you masturbate like Mack Major claims. The only consequences I’ve encountered are personal freedom, joy, pleasure, increased self-esteem and better body image.