The most important thing we skip when talking about sex

The thought of talking openly about sex makes our behinds clench in fear.  Talking about sex and sexuality and masturbation to others can seem like a radical notion.

Often we hear the phrase, “talk about sex”, we think something along the lines of  a few friends sitting around discussing in generalities what we do in bed, or the authors point of view in that article going around online. Speaking in the abstract is a great way to test the waters on the topic of sex, and start the conversation.  The power of personal stories is where the biggest changes happen. Owning your sexuality and taking back control begins when you get to the word I and when you get there, be specific.

I like ___________________.

I don’t like ______________.

What happened to me was _____________.

I want more/less of ________________.

My favorite thing to do is ______________.


Did you cringe at the thought of using the first person, I?

The reason we flinch at the thought of saying, out loud, to another human being  “I like sex, and what I like most is ________.”  Is because we are taught directly or indirectly that sex is shameful, and not something that is polite to discuss because good girls and boys don’t do these things.

Sex is a basic, normal, and natural part of the human experience

When we discuss a topic in first person we own it, acknowledge it and take away shame.  Sex is a basic bodily need, its universal, and it’s a survival instinct.  Like sleep and eating.  We have no issue discussing, in detail, sleeping or eating habits, including what our preferences may be and how much we are or aren’t getting. You can discuss food and cooking with anyone, anytime, anywhere and never get the how-dare-you-there-children-present stare.

From Pixabay used under Public Domain CC0 license.
From Pixabay used under Public Domain CC0 license.

When it comes to sex we hide, or we look away with a blush and a giggle.  Almost everyone on the planet has, or will have sex at some point in there lives. Yet we look wide eyed in disbelief at the person who dares discuss sex openly.

The personal is political

When we tell the truth about our lives we relate to other humans as equals in this thing we call the human experience.  Those that dare to let down the walls that we have arbitrarily erected between our “proper” and “improper” desires, see each other as real.  Suddenly we aren’t all that different, and we begin to appreciate the range of possibility.  Shame is eradicated. We get to own our bodies, and our sexuality, and ultimately, we want to own ourselves and all of it’s aspects.

It starts with the word, I.  It really is that simple.  Makeing sex normal, natural, free of guilt and shame starts with a simple pronoun.  We start saying I, and before long we are able to talk about sexuality as nothing more than the fun side of human biology.  Sex becomes a shared, near universal experience that can be openly acknowledged, and discussed among us humans. Can you imagine such a society?

Let’s stop pretending we are barbies with a smooth-nothing-to-see-here under our clothes.  It’s not my hoo-ha, or down-there, or… you know…. with the crinkled nose.  It’s my vulva and my clitoris.

It’s mine.

I touch it.

It feels good.

I like being touched by my partner.

When I claim my body and my sexuality, I claim my power.

Try it for yourself.  Use the first person.  Talk about sex.  Refuse to be ashamed.  It will change you, and then it will change the world.

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